![]() Golf jokes, clean, updated often, and ranging in topics from people on the golf course to rules of golf!![]() One Liners. 1. Escalators don’t break down. I intend to live forever. We never knew he was a drunk. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A blind man walks into a bar. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted? Want to hear a pizza joke.
What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? ![]() Arnold Palmer Joke; Blind Golfer Jokes; Blonde Golfer Jokes; Caddie Joke; Country Club Golf Jokes; Dirty Golf Jokes; Four Putting Golf Jokes; Game Of Golf Joke. Never mind, it’s too lame. I used to be in a band, we were called . You probably saw our posters. I childproofed the house. The best golf jokes . Family Tributes, Photos With Presidents Fill Program Of . Our joke contest was not one of them. In fact, the following selection of rotten, lame, and exhausted old chestnuts did nothing but produce an expression that would suggest that sports journalism might need more fiber in its diet. With the benefit of hindsight, a more realistic contest would be as follows: If you, having read this list of jokes, can honestly say that there was one in there that you had not heard before, we, at GOLF Magazine, will give you a life, because you obviously do not have one. Either that, or you are just visiting Earth to pick up Mc. Cord for his annual alien probing. On a positive note, at least this little experiment might serve as notice to all those well- meaning folks who assail me wherever I go with the immortal, . I've heard them all, but then, so have you. Unfortunately, those thousands sent in the same dozen or so over and over and over. After throwing out the overly misogynistic or irreligious, and cleaning up the language in the rest as best we could, here's the best of what was left. Sorry if any still offend. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, . He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, . It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry! He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, . Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her. A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, . Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole! Every Sunday, they break par while he shoots 9. At the end of the season, he asks for their secret. It's their religion, they tell him. They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds. Desperate to play well, over the winter O'Keefe converts, joins a synagogue, prays, celebrates the festivals and Sabbath, and looks forward to spring. Come spring, he meets his friends and they tee it up. Again, they break par and he shoots 9. Frustrated, he explains that he converted, prayed, worshipped, and studied, but his golf didn't get any better. One Orthodox Jew asks, . Wow, she is beautiful. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise.! She can join us. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive. When they reached the 1. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right! The first one looked over the putt and said, . He asked at his hotel for the nearest golf course, was put in a cab, and spent two hours being driven deeper and deeper into the jungle until he arrived at a course. He checked in with the pro and asked to rent some equipment and, since he'd never played the course before, for a caddie. In a few minutes, he was escorted to the 1st tee, where his caddie was waiting with a bagful of clubs under one arm and a rifle under the other. The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par- 4. As they were walking to his ball, a tiger sprang out of the rough and charged the golfer. Without missing a beat, the caddie dropped the bag, aimed his rifle, and shot the animal dead. Again, the golfer had to compose himself, taking a minute to catch his breath. But he quickly recovered, hit a good approach, and parred the hole. The same thing happened on the 2nd hole, a long, twisting par- 5. But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the golfer, and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie's rifle. By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappable - - and obviously was a good shot - - so they played on. The 3rd hole was an easy par- 3 surrounded by water. The golfer hit a good short iron, which landed near the cup. As he was walking onto the green, a crocodile slid out of the water and began moving toward him. Unfazed, the golfer looked to his caddie for help. But the caddie stood motionless. The crocodile moved closer, and the golfer, beginning to get upset, again glanced at the caddie, who didn't move. Finally, with the crocodile just inches away, the golfer screamed, . You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par- 3 1. Moses tees off with a 3- wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5- iron and says, . You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I'm not going to be a party to it!Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water. PPSSPP: PSP Emulator For Android, Ios, Windows, Linux, Macosx . One of them asks Moses, . As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft. Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and asks, . He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, . He opens it, takes a long swig, and says, . That would be too much of a coincidence. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the 1st tee.As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven- haired woman asks if she can join them.Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. Microsoft Expression Web 4 Keyboard Shortcuts . The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle. This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men. They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, . They go out, find they have much in common, and have a great evening. They make another golf date, during which she shoots two- under and gives a clinic in shotmaking. The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn't let things go too far and he drives her home. This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can't take it any more. And even though we haven't been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry! I can not hide it anymore. I am a man! She's convinced he's going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, . A week later, he comes back to tell his friend how great Heaven is. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll win the match. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. After considering his position - - and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke - - he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him. When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs. Separating the fairway and lot is the access road to the pro shop. One day, a ball comes flying off the 1st tee, hits the rear window of one car and shatters it, ricochets into the windshield of another car and cracks that, then bounces and hits a golfer in the head as he is unloading his clubs. He has to be taken to the hospital. After surveying the damage, the golf pro asks each golfer as he walks off the 9th green if anyone hit a slice on the 1st tee. After numerous negative replies, the pro finally finds his culprit. The golfer admits that, yes, indeed, he hit his tee shot to the right, but it went out- of- bounds, he and the rest of his group didn't bother looking for it. The pro explains about the two car windows and the golfer in the hospital. By the time he finishes re- creating the scene, the entire foursome is visibly upset, and the golfer who hit the errant shot moans, “Oh, that's terrible.
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November 2017
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